Editor, Writer,

I feel like it’s necessary at this point to discuss what exactly makes a great pen. There are several factors, some more important than others. I believe that first of all a good pen should write well. Sounds pretty obvious, right? But I’m talking non-scratchy, smooth-inked greatness the likes of which you do not need to scribble on scratch paper for 10 seconds to achieve. 

Next up is an appealing color scheme and design. This is the “wow” factor of pen collecting…it’s what makes each day worthy of a new chance to bypass the boring Bic Stick pen and reach for something extraordinary. I think pen designs are like faces. There’s not a whole lot of room for variation in the basic scheme of either design, yet look at all the differences that are achieved. Plastic, metal, color, translucency…truly there is a lot we can learn from pens.

I’m also a fan of a pen with a great grip. It seems important to feel comfortable when you’re using a pen, as if the melding of man and instrument will provide the necessary inspiration to write great things with that pen. It’s like coming home.

And finally, clickability. There’s something so universally great about a pen that brings a really solid *click* to the table. It’s like the Pepsi logo or a smile…the same in every language. A great click needs to be clean and crisp. CLICK! It’s definitive. It’s strong. It will not be ignored.

So that’s your primer on pens. Or rather, on successful pens. Just like with everything else in life, there exists a seedy underbelly of pens in the pen world. Yes, I’m talking about pens which do not even strive to reach their full potential. This list includes the following: high-maintenance pens which require much coaxing to actually write, which happens to be their basic duty as a pen. Also on the list are pens with a ridiculous or too-fragile clip. Just don’t go there. And also, if a pen is basically uncomfortable to write with and plain, it should just walk into Staples and end things with dignity.

So, 700 pens today. And with them a defining sense of self and possibly a new category of appreciation. A few weeks ago I found a great auction on ebay…a pen printer was practically giving away pens they claimed were advertising overruns. By the hundreds…by the thousands…with free shipping. Woohoo! So, heart racing, I paypal’d over 22 bucks and awaited my 400 pens. 

And they are spectacular. The sheer number and variety of pens I received was worth it on its own. I’m talking crown jewels here of the most random sort! My favorites include the translucent peach pen announcing Dennis Pettit’s oral and maxiofacial surgery practice, complete with hideous and frightening smiling cartoon tooth.

Or the emerald green with the clear-plastic gripper, proudly proclaiming “KUDOS to our Mom and Wife. Love ChiChi, Chino, IK, and Dad.” Yes mom, KUDOS to you on picking the world’s most perplexing names for your offspring.

There are metallic-colored pens and fat pens and triangular pens and pens with inventive grippers. There are pens for banks and churches and Nuelle’s 4X4 Salvage (I have no clue what this is). Pens that say “Adree for student representative” and pens that thank me for sharing in the joy of a wedding for two people from who-knows-where. I feel very connected to the world.

And, as always, I am more than willing to share the joy of this world-connection with you. Ask me for a pen, I’ll probably send you 7. 

Here’s something interesting, too. 88 of my 400 (although it looks like more than 400 to me) pens are so completely flawed that they are their own category of greatness. Pens with huge paint smudges where the design leaked and dried…pens that have the logos and taglines of 3 different companies printed one on top of the other. It kinda seems like there was an escaped chimp that found itsself trapped in the pen production office with nothing to do (yes, “monkey around,” I get it). All to say, I love them even more than the perfect ones. They’re the mistakes…like postage stamps printed upside-down. A deviation from the otherwise pristine world of pens. 

So if you ask me, and I like you enough, I might just send you one of my 88 flawed pens. Because I think this is a cause worth flinging into the open. Jacked-up pens are still pens! And oh, how I love them.

So where did the other 300 pens come from, you ask? It just so happens that the arrival of my 400 ebay pens intersected with the arrival of my 300 Jillangill.com pens. They are spectacular! I’m planning on using them like a normal person would use a business card. You can be sure that I selected only the finest pen to become the Jillangill.com pen. They are young, eager, idealistic, and ready to be released into the world. So if you happen to ask and get a Jillangill.com pen, a hopelessly messed-up mutt of a pen, and some other assorted beauties, that is pretty much the triple crown. 

Welcome to my world…please don’t be scared.